It's been a while since I've written a blog post. I want to reflect on my new identities and also how I have begun to understand my own experiences as a late diagnosed AuDHDer and queer therapist. I also want to say that these ideas are my opinions and not meant to be taken as medical or professional mental health advice. Speak to a trusted professional if you need support or assistance :)
I'm Pauline and I have been trying to understand the intersection between trauma and neurodivergence. I have also been adopting a decolonizing process in my practice (and for myself) and am often asked what is meant by neurodivergence.
Here is my definition:
Re-Humanizing neurodivergence
What is Neurodivergence?
Definition: Those with complexity, either highly protected or highly dysregulated systems (or both) - Commonly referred to as those with Autism, ADHD, Psychosis, OCD, Bipolar Disorder, Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, (at times but not always)
When I say these folks are complex it is because they often present with co-occurring substance/alcohol use issues and/or behavioural process issues, disordered eating or disordered food relationships, dysphoria related to gender identity and or sexual identity, increased risk for suicide and self-injury, difficulty with interpersonal effectiveness, difficulty obtaining and maintaining steady work or being highly independent and highly functional. Being incredibly dysfunctional or extremely perfectionistic. All of these processes, I believe, are due to the person’s inability to cope with increased societal expectations and also self-imprisonment through having to mask their natural abilities and adapt to societal ‘norms’. I.e. there is trauma inherent in living in a world where you have been taught, either directly or indirectly, that you are not welcome here.
There are varying opinions on what constitutes neurodivergence and some feel that we are all somewhere on the spectrum, where one end is neurodivergent (open mind, not knowing, multiple truths, 15 things can happen all at once, porous) ND and the other neurotypical (closed mind, absolute truth, evidence-based practice, one thing at a time, impenetrable). The ND/NT distinction has also been referred to in binary terms; we refer to those with complexity as ND and those without as NT, you either have it or you don’t. It seems to me more neuroconvergent than neurotypical, in my humble yet somewhat professional/personal opinion. Isn’t the opposite of divergent, convergent? If we are not at peace with being different, then why are we literally killing ourselves or being skilled trying to be all the same?
Some say we are all neurodivergent. In fact in order for an ecosystem to survive one must rely on diversity. Others assert that the idea that folks are more neurotypical or normal is just not the case. Take Gabor Mate’s book titled “The Myth of Normal” as one case in point. In his latest work, Mate argues that the concept of normality is absurd and that there exists an illusion or myth as he calls it that we are all striving to achieve. For folks with complexity, those neurodivergent folks, striving for normality often creates more distress than it repairs . i.e. are there really folks who are neurotypical? Anyways, in my somewhat professional option Neurodivergence refers to how we conceptualize those who have not been able to adapt to society's expectations, norms, rules etc. Neurodivergent folks are sometimes diagnosed with multiple psychiatric diagnoses and treated with multiple medications unsuccessfully and often struggle (not always) but struggle with knowing what to do or how to be in situations.
In my case, I have come to terms with the reality that I live in a world where people don't’ always accept me as I am. I have intuitively learned to hide. I had to learn to mask for a variety of reasons but ultimately because of past trauma and the trauma of neurodivergence, I often dissociate. What this means is that my brain goes offline and to another place. I often wonder if my mind travels to another universe or dimension. Because of masking it is painful to live in the world for long periods of time and so as a defence, I will either purposefully or sometimes unintentionally hide in plain sight. To compensate for this I have developed parts that are fast and impulsive, parts that are funny and creative, parts that move fast and experience 15 things at once, parts who work for the CIA and are good at anticipating needs and wants, and parts who are excellent at helping and solving problems, cruise director and customer service parts, therapist and teacher parts. I wonder what about me is unacceptable and when I get curious I come to terms with parts that aren’t mine.
Narcissistic parts; patriarchal parts; white supremacist parts and colonizing ones. I was taught that when I show up as feminine, selfish, ethnic; and slow that I am unacceptable and so I learned how not to be me. I learned to delete myself. My healing has been learning much about how to help others. This was the safest way to start. I had deleted myself and so my shadow sides watched parts of me help others heal for many years.
They watched with fascination and curiosity until they couldn’t watch anymore. They needed to be seen, but first it had to be safe. So the parts built safety that included heteronormativity, permissiveness, advanced empathy and self deletion. The parts amassed privilege, education and credibility. The parts cultivated enough power to make it safe to be seen. And then the self awakened. I started becoming more human. I stopped trying to figure what was happening as it was safe to be human. It is safer because and I discerned when I needed to be more protected. For me past trauma has led to my neurodivergence. Also the process of masking due to differing abilities is traumatic. Neurodivergence is trauma. Healing is uncovering humanness. Afterall,
Aren’t we all just human?
Pauline Sestito O’Brien (she/they)
Thank you for seeing me
